I sat down last week to write my weekly e-mail to you, and literally came up blank. Each sentence came with the effort of pulling teeth, and I finally had to get up, turn my computer off, and sink into the stifling sense of blankness and timelessness that seemed to consume me last week.
I then moved through two days of major purging. I picked fights with my husband, journaled angrily, and cried with such ferocity that I couldn't wear my contacts due to the soreness in my eyes.
In other words, I felt like I totally lost my shit.
I was crying for no reason, furious at the slightest hiccup, and consumed with an intense presence of disappointment.
In numerology life operates in nine year cycles. If you add up the numbers in the year 2016: 2+0+1+6 you get 9. So 2016 was the end of a 9 year cycle. 2017 is a year 1, the beginning of a new 9 year cycle.
Knowing this, I found myself reflecting on the primary theme over the past 9 years, and I recognized a pattern of looking for myself in others.
Looking to men for assurance, love, approval, significance. Looking to healers to tell me what was "wrong" with me. Looking to the external world to give me what I wanted and go my way.
All weekend I had been in the stage of feeling the disappointment, deeply. Feeling the hurt and anger and resentment that can accompany disappointment when situations or people do not act or play out the way we desire them do.
I was disappointed that my husband couldn't read my mind and pick up on my subtle clues as to what I wanted and needed. Disappointed that plans for a weekend out of town had changed. Disappointed that people didn't see eye to eye with me. Disappointed that my business didn't grow to the capacity I had hoped last year.
And then last night, after feeing so deeply all weekend, I finally felt the invitation to shift out of feeling and into communication with the disappointment.
"What do you have to share with me?"
Instantly I received the clarity that disappointment was assisting me in blossoming through the lesson that the past 9 years has been offering me - untangling my dependancies from others.
Untangling from needing others to give me what I didn't know how to give to myself. Untangling from the need to live, speak and act through a filter of which I think other people will approve of. Untangling from waiting for life to go my way, from waiting for others to be what I want them to be.
It sucks. I've spent so much time looking to others for approval, so much time avoiding taking the time to get clear about what I want, that weaning off of it is painful, messy, and uncomfortable. Every fiber of my conditioned self wants others/life to do it for me.
I don't want to take the time to really know myself intimately - my desires, what turns me on, both in and out of the bedroom - it feels so much easier to let others lead the way.
And so my weekend of crying and purging was in a way the dying of this self. Like a Phoenix, dying to the ways of living quietly on the sidelines so that I may be reborn into deep communion and intimacy with my own desires, my own unique expression, my own voice.
As I write all of this I am consumed with an even deeper level of appreciation for disappointment, for if it weren't for her intensity of feeling disappointed in the actions of others, I would never have reached this place of recognizing that the gift of disappointment is to assist us in untangling our dependency on others, our dependency on waiting for life to go our way.
It's as if disappointment is the mamma bird, who after months of nurturing and tending to in the safety of the nest begins to encourage us to spread our wings and fly on our own.
So to disappointment, thank you. Thank you for helping me untangle from being dependent on others. Thank you for shifting me out of blame and into the recognition that it is up to me to get clear about what I want. Up to me to speak and express my desires. Up to me to trust in myself and my intuition and inner wisdom. Up to me to receive.
And for that I am grateful. For while the rebirth process is painful and exhausting, I can simultaneously feel the exhilarating joy of beginning to fly and soar on my own.
What do you want? What do you desire? What brings you joy? What would your life be like if you began to not only spend time getting clear about these answers, but then also began to express them to others?
What was the primary theme of your past nine years? What do you feel those teachings were preparing and inviting you to step into for the next nine year cycle?
As always, I believe it can be so powerful to write these down and share them, so I would love to hear from you!!
May you be blessed with the inner peace and knowing that you are worthy.
I love you,
P.S. Does the idea of living a life free from the entanglement and dependency on others speak to a part of your soul? Do you want to start 2017 and this next 9 year cycle with a more intimate, connected relationship with your own self? Are you tired of living in constant inner conflict? If you answered YES to any of these then I invite you to schedule your free 30 minute breakthrough call with me today. Simply click here and you will be on your way to spreading your wings and taking the leap into your own magnificence! *Respond today and you can qualify for my special pricing on my signature program, Initiation*
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!