Last week was an emotionally draining and challenging week.
Just moments after I had drafted last week's blog I was given the opportunity to put my words into action and practice what I preach.
I had a confrontation with someone close in my life, (I will call this person A), and listened as this person shared their frustration, annoyance, and stinging feelings and opinions about me.
In the moment, I initially tried to take the spiritual approach, thanking this person for what they were bringing up, but doing so without first honoring my feelings was futile.
So I ended the call in order to give myself space to feel what I needed to feel. I felt hurt, both by the words spoken to me and by the recognition of actions I've done in the past that have caused others pain, and in order to process that hurt I allowed myself to crumble into a messy stream of tears and sobs.
Once I had truly honored my authentic feelings I had new clarity on the situation.
I was able to reach out to someone who I had acted poorly towards in the past (person B) and sincerely apologize. We had an amazing, heartfelt conversation and I feel as though we both left feeling more at peace with the past and willing to move forward.
I then went back to person A who had expressed their annoyance with me and shared that some of their words had been incredibly hurtful. Having just experienced a moment of healing Grace with person B I expected to receive an apology. But instead I received more sharp and biting words.
This response gave me a moment of clarity in which I realized that other people may never be able to treat us the way we want to be treated, or the way in which we treat others. Just because I had come to a moment of sincere heartfelt apology to person B did not mean that person A was ready now, or ever, to do the same to me.
This recognition drew me back to the message of last weeks e-mail, recognizing that person A was navigating so much internal conflict, confusion, entanglement and pain that they were no where near being ready or able to apologize.
From here I turned inward, and asked myself if I felt as though the hurtful words person A had expressed were true for me, and I realized they weren't.
I was able to reflect on my past, and having a more in depth relationship with it than anyone on the outside could ever have, realize that while there were moments and behaviors that I was not proud of, overall I know that I have always taken life's invitations to grow and expand and I stand grounded in myself today feeling very proud of who I am.
This liberated me from needing other people to see me a certain way, for how could they if they haven't walked in my shoes?
The final twist on the saga was that person A and I had a social gathering over the weekend. All week I went back and forth as to whether or not I would go, until I had a conversation with an angel in human form, my Mother, who reminded me that when people act in such unsavory ways they deserve more love, not less.
Once again, I had to first go through the process of honoring my authentic feelings and resistance. "But I don't want to be around them. I'm tired of always being the bigger person. Why should I treat them with kindness and compassion when they don't treat me that way? Why should I show up for them when they don't do the same for me? I don't wan't to be nice to them until they apologize."
Being able to honestly and authentically express these feeling out-loud freed me from them, and I was able to drop back into the inevitable realization that when in pain, we all deserve more love, not less.
I made the decision to go, and driving to the event I found myself not knowing if I could look person A in the eyes. So I called on my Divine Self. "Divine Self, I don't know how to unconditionally love this person. I don't know how to offer them kindness and compassion when they act out in such hurtful ways. Therefore I need you to work through me. I call you forth to think, act, and speak through me."
Now I wish I could say that everything was now hunky-dory, but it's not. It's life. Life is messy. Relationships are in constant fluctuation. Individuals are a complex web of emotions, feelings, perspectives and pain.
But I can say that I feel as though I did what I could through this whole situation. I dove into it, welcoming the lessons it had for me while simultaneously honoring how inconvenient and hurtful it felt.
At the end of the day we are only responsible for ourselves, for only we know every moment, every scar, every obstacle we have overcome in our lives.
We can be open to moments of growth and humility while at the same time honoring our resiliancy and courage to move forward and expand.
As we nurture and embrace the darkest corners of ourselves, we grow in our capacity to meet the darkness in others, willing to be the first one to offer compassion and love amidst the most unsavory behavior.
May all unresolved pain, trauma and conflict that dwells within the minds and hearts of all beings be healed, transformed, and resolved for the well being of all.
I honor you.
P.S. Are you ready to heal your inner wounds of conflict and separation? Are you ready to stop taking on the problems of the world and instead be a catalyst for healing and change? Let's schedule a call and get you re-aligned with your fierce inner goddess so that you can wrap up 2016 with clarity and step into 2017 with purpose and fire. Click here to schedule your call with me to see if I'm the right coach for you.
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!