For the last month I've slowly been shifting my "waiting for a baby energy" into a more active energy, exploring ways to integrate the feelings that I desire through being a mother into my daily life.
(See previous blog post: Co-creating your life from feeling vs. form.)
In circulating and embracing my capacity to birth creativity into the world through avenues other than a baby, I've been putting myself out there in ways that I never imagined I would have the courage to do. Posting public videos on YouTube, sharing my art, sharing intuitive blessings and insights.
And as I've done so, I've been aware of an interesting old paradigm pattern showing up to be embraced as never before - the mask that I have lived the majority of my life in - that of dimming my light down, withholding much of who I am, for fear of making other people feel threatened, for fear of being judged, for fear of being outcast, unloved, and unaccepted.
As I shared in a recent video blog, I have been embracing and exploring a new understanding about being an empath. What if being an empath is not so much that we take on other peoples energy? What if we are actually tuning into the unresolved conditioning in others, what others feel about themselves, and interpreting that to be how they feel about us?
In doing so, we can create a pattern of playing small. For we feel that others feel unworthy, therefore deem ourselves as being unworthy to that person. We feel others self doubt, and interpret that to mean that others doubt our abilities. We become small, disempowered beings, entangled and lost in the corners where the light has yet to be shown.
Simultaneously, we never learned how to embrace our own hearts and recognize that we ourselves are capable of gifting our own heart the love it desires and seeks from others. So we are around someone, we subconsciously tune into the unresolved conflicts within them. We recognize on some level that if they are pre-occupied with their own internal dramas then they don't have the space or capacity to offer us the love that we need.
So again, instead of the idea of taking on their energy, what if we actually duplicate their unresolved patterns within our own field in order to try and heal or clear what they are feeling so that they can have more internal room to love us? In essence, we get entangled with others, and in doing so we dim our light, we duplicate the blueprint they are showing us, so that they won't feel threatened in our presence. With the hope that if they don't feel threatened then they can love us the way we need to be loved.
We then go through our lives and at some point hear from another or come to the conclusion that we care too much about what other people think about us. That we are not living our full capacity because we fear the criticism, judgment, and rejection of others.
This is the realization that has been dawning on me this past week. I've always shied away from sharing my art for fear of others feeling jealous and therefore unable to be my friend or love me. I've shied away from unapologetically believing in myself and sharing all that I am with the world for fear of others feeling threatened, and again therefore unable to be my friend or love me.
In essence, for the majority of my life I matched the unresolved conflict of everyone around me, of the world. I shifted my energy to match what I was intuitively picking up on from others. This energy was full of self doubt, influenced by centuries of collective fear - fear of speaking out against the grain, fear of shining bright, fear of embracing the thriving, creative, untamed sexuality of the feminine. This energy was the result of centuries spent shutting down and questiong our inate intuitive capabilities, deeming them "witchcraft" "airy fairy," not tangible and therefore having no place in a world driven by needing tangible proof.
And so we embodied this limiting blueprint. And yet what if it was all on purpose? What if we duplicated these patterns in our field so that when the time was right for us we could reclaim our power and begin to offer healing through the practice of integrating and loving all aspects of ourselves? What if we had to know first hand what we were here to transform?
And as we each begin to blossom out of our cocoon, we spread our wings and recognize our limitless capacity to now be the bearers of light. Our capacity to unapologetically embrace that we each have an important and unique purpose. To lovingly tend to and embrace the aspect of our heart that experiences self doubt. To love the aspect of ourselves that thinks it needs to look a certain way, or be accepted by certain people?
The awareness that has been dawning on me this past week is this: I've been recognizing that what if the fear I had felt in the past to really step into all that I am, this fear that I thought was mine, this fear that in thinking was mine I thought I had to overcome and clear. What if that fear was actually feelings of jealousy and intimidation that I was empathing from other people?
And not that any of this is bad or that I have hard feelings towards anyone. But this recognition has been helping me in moments where I feel a pause before posting something raw and vulnerable, or really embracing the magnificent, intuitive co-creator and healer that I am, in those moments I have a sliver of clarity that says "this fear is not yours. It isn't even a particular persons. It is simply a collective fear that has been passed down and that generations have duplicated into their personal blueprint and taken on as their own."
And in that moment of clarity, in recognizing it does not belong to you or any one else, in that freedom of not personifying it, their is an invitation. The invitation is this:
To recognize and embrace what is rising as never before. To embrace, listen to and honor the one that feels fear. The one that feels jealousy. The one that feels intimidated by others. The one that feels competitive, or comparison. To love the one that feels less than another, to love the one that feels better than another.
When we realize none of this is ours, or another, we can liberate ourselves from playing small, liberate from feeling victimized by everyone and everything, and embrace the innate power that we have to transform this world through the loving practice of integrating and embracing our humanity.
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!