For years I have sought to manifest physical things in my life. Everything from cars, to jobs, to relationships, to most recently in the last two years: a baby.
In reflecting on and exploring this desire for a baby I started to ask myself: Why?Why do I want a baby?
Undeniably part of that answer is pure female genetics. A straight up biological, hormonal drive to reproduce.
But there was more to it, other factors wanting to be addressed.
First, I recognized that part of the why was so that I didn’t have to challenge myself in the working world. I grew up with a stay at home mom, and without it even being a conscious thought part of me was ready to jump into the role of stay at home mom.(Please know that I hold the highest respect for stay at home Mothers, as I believe it to likely be the most challenging job of all time. What I am exploring here was my desire to have a baby so that I didn't have to experience the challenge of birthing my own passion into the world.)
When I dug deeper into those layers I found that some part of me thought that if I was a mom then I could avoid my fears of really exploring what I am here to offer to this world through coaching, yoga, and mentorship.
I could stay within the comforts I knew - supporting everyone but myself.Supporting a husband in the pursuit of his passion, supporting the growth and development of kids, supporting and holding space for clients.
I could avoid really believing in myself and I could shy away from nurturing the unique passion and creativity that came to be expressed through me.
Lastly, honestly, part of the why was because I saw everyone around me having one, and I have always wanted to have what others have. Conversely I have always hated the feeling of not being able to have what others have.
And then, this past Monday, out of the blue and last minute I was guided to teach on the notion of looking at what we want to manifest in our life, and exploring shifting the focus from the physical form that it may take, and instead tapping into the feeling that we desire from that which we want to attract into our lives.
I am so grateful for being able to teach yoga, because I can show up, offer a teaching that I think has nothing to do with me, and then leave class only to come face to face with the recognition that the teaching was really showing up for me. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve eaten humble pie!
So this week I started sitting with the question: What is the feeling that I desire from having a baby?
Well, I want to be a Mother. But what does that mean to me? What do I want to feel from that? Significance. Someone to share all I know with. To feel and know unconditional love. To have someone be dependent on me and the importance that would lead me to feel. To be able to really tap into and offer nurturing. To feel my magnificent capacity as a women to create and birth into the world something so miraculous.
Reading that, and tapping into those feelings leads me to the recognition that even though I don’t like it because it’s not showing up in the form that I want it to, all of those feelings? All of those feelings I can embrace and tap into right now, with or without a baby.
I can be a mother to my dog Dax. I can offer my own precious heart the recognition of my significance.I can share all I know with all of you.
I can know unconditional love by continuing the practice of loving whatever aspect of my inner child expresses in any given moment. I can honor and recognize the importance of me as I am, expressing this unique expression of the divine through my essence.
I can offer nurturing to myself, to my husband, to those that show up with me in class and as clients. I can recognize and embrace and nurture the creativity already present within me. I can birth into this world the expansion of my coaching business, my yoga classes, my art.
Phew! Now, do I expect this realization to completely eliminate the desire to have a baby? Do I expect to suddenly have no bad days where I break down in tears at the sight of a baby or pregnant woman? No, not it all.
But working through this does give me clarity and motivation to realize that there is so much I can do right now to embrace my feeling desire to be a mother. I can stop waiting to live my life until I get pregnant, and fully receive the opportunities that every day gives me to be a mother in my own feeling way.
What is it that you have been wanting to manifest into your life? A relationship? A new job/car/house/computer, etc?
I know that I got so stuck in what I thought it should look life, the physical manifestation of a human baby, that I have completely overlooked the feeling I desire, and the plethora of avenues to tap into that feeling right now.
I invite you take some time to ask the question: What do I really want to feel?
I'm busy working on my blog posts. Watch this space!