Maybe you can relate to some or all of my journey?
For years I presented to the outside world the image that I had it all figured out. My spiritual ego was at an all time high and I preached from my high horse on my Facebook feed and in my classes a barrage of upbeat, everything is hunky dory, rainbows and butterflies, quotes and images.
The truth? I was beginning to crumble, entering into the hardest years of my life. I was miserable, angry, depressed, resentful, experiencing unbearable pain, and none of my groovy spiritual practices or tools made a damn bit of difference.
I began to feel unbearably inauthentic.
In September 2013 I ended up in the E.R. with the worst period pain I had ever experienced (they had always been painful, so to get to the hospital was serious and intense.) After numerous scans and tests it was determined that I had endometriosis, a condition in which uterine cells grow outside of the uterus.
My husband and I were advised at that point that if we wanted a family we should start trying right away, as women with Endo can have a more difficult time conceiving.
In October 2015, after two years of trying to conceive without results, I had laparoscopic surgery to remove the Endo growths. While they were in there, they discovered that my left fallopian tube had endured so much trauma from the endo growths that it has collapsed and was filling with fluid, causing toxicity in my reproductive organs, so they decided to remove the left fallopian tube, as well as a ping pong sized cyst from each ovary.
The drive to get pregnant consumed me, each month as my period arrived I would break down into a dissolved mess of emotional and physical pain. My marriage suffered. My intimacy with my husband suffered, as sex was no longer something fun to look forward to, but a disappointment, never leading to the results I so desperately wanted.
There were so many exciting and wonderful things happening in my life - building a new home, a prosperous new business, being able to do work I loved.
And yet, now matter how hard I tried, I could not longer pretend.
Enter Radical Self Love & Spiritual Embodiment
After years of denying the full spectrum of my humanity I began what was for me a radical new approach.
I began to see various emotions as aspects of my inner child. And for the first time in my life, instead of trying to change her or tell her she was wrong and needed to go away, I turned to face her. I acknowledged her. I spent time allowing her to say everything she needed to say without filtering her. I let her throw inner tantrums. I let her stomp her feet and exclaim how unfair it all was.
And something incredible began to happen.
The more I acknowledged her, held her, soothed her, listened to her, loved her, the less she has to scream out to get my attention. While jealousy didn’t just disappear, it (She) was no longer my enemy. I was no longer fighting so ferociously with myself.
Welcome! My name is Sarah and I am here to assist You in recognizing, embracing, and integrating your own unique radiant beauty into every facet of your life.
I am here to guide You on a journey of integration so that you may embrace all that you are and unapollogetically share your light with the world.
I believe that in order to see change on a global scale, we must first address the internal war, conflict, and division.
I ran with the idea that thoughts are bad, that the mind and the ego are vicious enemies that take over our true nature and need to be overcome and purified. I perceived pain and illness as a sign that I had some fucked up thought pattern or belief buried deeply in my subconscious that needed to be found and cleared.
Now I am not denying the value of any of these teachings, merely sharing with you the rabbit hole that I slipped into, where I took these teachings and twisted them in my psyche. I used them as a means of ruthless self awareness and judgement.
I existed in constant internal conflict.
Two opposing aspects of me waging war. On one hand, there was the part of me that was having a raw, authentic thought or experience. And then on the other side, the twisted teachings that kept me chained to what I “should” be experiencing. Essentially I had a bad box, for all of the bad thoughts, feelings, emotions, actions, etc. And a good box, for all of the acceptable thoughts. And increasingly, the good box was shrinking, my capacity for authentic self acceptance being pinched into oblivion.
For years I pursued with an obsessive desperation the desire to escape from suffering. I inhaled any and all teachings or practices that seemed to offer the promise of enlightenment.
I operated from the notion that something about me was inherently wrong and needed constant clearing and purging.
I relentlessly dug into my past, trying to heal from the conditioning that I had absorbed from family, society, church, and past traumas.
I tried for years to only “focus on the positive,” leaving me to deny and suppress any shadow emotions. I twisted concepts of karma to serve as a type of internal justice court. Sayings like “karma's a bitch” lead me into the tailspin of perspective that believed that anytime adversities struck, they were a punishment for some forgotten crime committed in the past.
I believe in YOU and YOUR capacity as a woman to shift our world into one of harmony, respect, love, and compassion. I believe in your capacity to create a world where all beings honor and listen to their unique intuition and internal navigation system. And I believe this shift begins with You, and Your willingness to first cultivate a more compassionate, honest, loving relationship with all aspects of Self.
I couldn’t force myself to be happy. I couldn’t focus on the positive. I couldn’t find gratitude.
It was time for shit to get real, time for me to get my head out of the rainbows and butterflies clouds and embrace my humanity.
I’ll be honest.
Even with the practice of RSL(Radical Self Love,) I still have shit days. I still have all of the variations of human emotion.
The difference is that I am no longer running away from them. I no longer judge myself so harshly. I have more internal space and compassion to love whatever arises.
I have turned towards them all, and my practice now is to integrate them, to embrace my humanity and all that it entails. And it has changed my life. It has healed and liberated me in so many simple yet profound ways.
And I want to share it with you. I want to assist you in cultivating the internal freedom that comes when you begin to practice radical honesty.
I know that your beauty is not defined by the limited parameters of the fluctuating moods of society.
I recognize that your beauty is wild, raw, multi-faceted, and unique. I believe that your beauty lies in your vulnerability, your authenticity, and your human-ness.